Rage.

I had a really odd reaction a while ago, before the divorce and still living at home. We were sitting on the sofa - me at one end, wife at the other and my daughter in between. Mother swung her legs up and put them on daughter's lap and asked her to massage her toes. No sooner had she started than mother said, "You can play with my hair instead, if you like."

I flipped. I felt uncontrollable rage build up like a tidal wave for a second or two and then I lost it. Daughter had the right to do what she wanted. She didn't have to do anything. Why did she think she could demand like this?

I have no idea where the fury came from. I just know that at a deep, deep level it was wrong for her to ask for something she wanted like that. You don't do that. You can't. You're not allowed to have what you want and you mustn't ever ask. I mustn't ever ask. My chest freezes and my mouth hangs open wordlessly if I do, because I'M NOT ALLOWED TO.